Vikings Recap, Episode Five, "Raid"

The title of the episode is Raid, but I will refer to it as The One Where Shit Gets Real.




The episode starts fairly innocuously, with Earl Haraldson blessing a baby boy. Siggy, fulfilling her duties as Mrs. Earl, tells the mother that she hopes her son will bring her profit. (Vikings, man. Vikings.)

"I fucking love Slim Jims."

Athelstan and Ragnar are also off doing menial tasks, the former gutting fish and the latter… well, no, Ragnar's lounging around and eating jerky while Athelstan does all the work. But hey, Athelstan's a slave! That's how it goes! Speaking of that. Athelstan broaches the somewhat awkward topic of whether he's actually still a slave and whether Ragnar might consider freeing him.


Athelstan points out that slaves are often treated worse than dogs, to which Ragnar responds: "Do I treat you like a dog?" I would like, if I may, to direct your attention below, where there's a screencap from a few episodes ago of Athelstan on a leash tied to a fence.

Presented without comment.

Ragnar points out that, in the Viking world, it's OK to treat slaves in ways free men would never be treated, and Athelstan's part of the Viking world now, so he'd better damn well get used to it. It's not like he's put any effort to escaping or anything, damn.

Athelstan responds that he doesn't really want to escape anymore, even if he could. No shit, Sherlock. You're a monk with zero fighting skills in a land of Vikings with no way to cross the sea back to England. You'd be dead within 10 minutes.

Athelstan is so out of his depth it's not even funny.

Sensing that he's maaaaybe made things a little weird, Athelstan changes the subject, asking Ragnar what he's been preparing himself for. But he then proceeds to make things weird again by asking Ragnar about the gods with his trademark Adorable Grin on his face. Athelstan. Baby. You mean well, I know. But you sound like you're asking a five-year-old about his imaginary friends. And, as we'll see later this episode, Ragnar has the maturity of an eleven-year-old. Ragnar shuts the conversation down, ordering Athelstan to stop talking and finish gutting the fish.

Some people die with dignity. Then there's this guy.

And now to a less adorable character. Earl Haraldon and some of his loyal soldiers are suiting up to head over to Ragnar's place and remind him who's boss (no,  not Tony Danza). Ragnar's out hunting, but there are a bunch of other people milling around who proceed to get shot or axed to death. I'm not quite sure who those people are—Ragnar's neighbors? Tenant farmers?—but it doesn't really matter. They're dead, and when Ragnar's back he's gonna be pissed.

(Oh, by the way, Ragnar—what was that you were saying about how free men can't treat other free man however they want? Like, they can't kill them for no reason or anything? I forget.)

Even Gyda looks 100x readier to kill shit than Athelstan.

Lagertha, like the badass she is, assembles her ducklings—that's her kids plus Athelstan (who went for the book he rescued from the monastery as soon as he noticed the attack, making me want to ruffle his growing-in hair)—and gives them all weapons. Bjorn asks if they shouldn't run away, to which Lagertha replies "Do you know who you're talking to? Hell no we're not running! Take your weapon and be prepared to kill shit until your father gets back!"

And get back he soon does. Once he's back in town he proceeds to kick some major ass, shooting one dude with an arrow without breaking stride and leaping at another dude, knocking him off his horse, and then axing him to death. He takes an axe to the leg but keeps on killing people, because this is Ragnar Lothbrok we're talking about. 

Svein shoots him in the shoulder, but by that point he's already killed everyone standing between him and the rest of his family. Nice try, you jerk.

No witty caption here, I just like this shot.

Ragnar orders Lagertha, Athelstan, and the kids to escape through the crawlspace and run for the boat—he says he'll follow them, but he doesn't. Instead he goes outside to confront Earl Haraldson, giving his family a better chance at escaping. (Also, he's not going to run away during a battle. VIKINGS, GRARRRRGH!)

The Earl says that Ragnar's a criminal (he hasn't done anything criminal, but whatever) and only deserves defeat, a.k.a. to have his head chopped off with an axe. (AXE-ecution… get it? C'mon, that was good.) Ragnar says he accepts his fate, but can he have a minute to talk with his favorite god Odin first, please?

HAHAH. PSYCH, YOU BASTARDS. Ragnar asks Odin for help then proceeds to wail on his captors with the axe that no one thought to take away from him. Morons. Ragnar escapes, and the Earl orders some guys after him. To give them the slip he jumps off a cliff into the water below, with his family in the boat a few feet away.

I'll give it a 2.3.

He's pretty damn wounded at this point and probably would've died, giving his kids nightmares for all eternity, had a certain cutie patootie monk not jumped into the water to save him. Athelstan to the rescue! You'd better give him his freedom now, Ragnar, seeing as he just saved your life.

Athelstan's had his time to shine, and now it's Floki's turn. There's a brief interlude where Earl Haraldson tells one of the guys who let Ragnar escape to A) seize his boat, B) bring in Ragnar's family if they show up, and C) watch your back from now on, because you're on my shit list. Then it's onto Floki's Hippie Hut, where Lagertha and the rest of the bunch have taken the dying Ragnar.

In addition to being the resident boat-builder and eyeliner enthusiast, Floki's a healer as well. With the help of his hippie wife/girlfriend/nurse/whatever Helga, he performs surgery involving a red-hot blade (ouch), during which Lagertha and her kids pray to Freya for Ragnar's survival and Athelstan prays to the Virgin Mary. Awwwww.

Her internal monologue right now is one big keysmash.

In the next scene we meet a new character, a Swedish earl with bad teeth who—surprise!—has been promised Thyri's hand in marriage. Siggy's not too pleased that the Earl went and sold their daughter for 20 pounds of silver without so much as a warning, so she storms off. Thyri looks like she's about to vomit, and even the Earl himself doesn't look to happy about the situation. (But when does he look happy about anything?) The only one who likes this turn of events is, predictably, the Swedish earl, who calls Thyri "my dear child" and says he's sure she "will provide me with many sons." Ew. Ewewewewew.

After dinner Siggy and the Earl have it out, with Siggy accusing her husband of not caring about Thyri's happiness and the Earl responding that he cares about her safety and security instead, thank you very much. The Earl explains that, back when their two sons were killed, the men responsible cut off their heads and buried them in an, er, somewhat undignified position. ("They put their faces against their asses.") So, really, "being married to a rich old man isn't so bad." Oh, and Siggy shouldn't judge Mr. Bad Teeth for being old and ugly, by the way. Both valid points, even if the Earl should've given Thyri a heads-up, at least. The Earl is incapable even of being right about things without coming off like an asshole.

AND IIIIII-EEEE-YIIIIIIII WILL ALWAYS
LOVE YOOOOOOU.

Back in Floki's Hippie Hut, a recovering-yet-bedridden Ragnar is visited by a friend of his, Torstein. Did we really need a brand new friend-of-Ragnar character, show? Couldn't you just have not killed Erik last episode?! Forgive me, I'm still grieving. 

Torstein says that Rollo told him that if Ragnar were alive he'd probably be found at Floki's. Ragnar gets upset that Rollo hasn't visited (with flowers, a card, anything!) before Torstein patiently explains that the Earl's men are actually watching Rollo rather closely right now.

Then comes one of my favorite Lagertha moments from the episode. It's a small one: She laments that their farm has been burned and their livestock slaughtered, so they have nothing left. Floki responds with "No! You're all alive! You have everything left!" 

Lagertha shuts down that sentimental hippie shit real fast, though, reminding Floki that they do need to eat, after all. I love her. Floki says that the gods will provide, after which Athelstan gets a weird look on his face and starts saying a prayer again. Did they come to some sort of equal time arrangement on religion? Like, if someone mentions the Viking gods, then Athelstan's allowed to share a bit of Christianity, too? Everyone laughs at him for his Tourette's Prayer Syndrome except Ragnar, who says "Sometimes your god sounds a lot like one of ours." Again: Awwwww.

Svein's looking rather... wait for it...
foxy at Thyri's wedding.

Meanwhile, back in town, Rollo crashes Thyri's wedding so he can talk to the Earl. He tells him Ragnar is dead—he doesn't know for sure since he hasn't seen a body, but he's sure of it in his heart, so would the Earl please stop treating him like a suspected criminal and just let him go on raids and be a normal Viking already? The Earl cautiously agrees, saying he'll let Rollo hang around and regain his trust until raiding season begins.

(Side note: I'm not sure whether Rollo actually thinks Ragnar is dead, though I'm leaning towards "No, he's just playing the Earl." Side side note: The way Rollo's character is being presented rubs me the wrong way. He's an antagonist, but a sympathetic, complex one. He has issues and can be a manipulative bastard, but at other times he's shown trying to do the right thing, and you're not really sure if there's an ulterior motive there or if he's genuinely not that bad. That's all good. My problem is this: He still raped a girl in the second episode. Don't have a character rape someone and then present him sympathetically—it's not cool. The rape scene didn't prove anything about his character that we didn't find out anyway... except that he's the sort of person who goes around casually raping young women, which since he did it has been treated as almost irrelevant. We did not need that damn rape scene. Moving on.)

Not onto less consequential matters: Religion! Floki, Ragnar, Helga and the rest are explaining various aspects of their religion to Athelstan around a roaring fire. This scene is best recapped through images. 

Here is Athelstan paying rapt attention during Viking storytime:

Reactions after Athelstan asks what Ragnarok is:

He's more conversationally awkward than even I am.

Floki and Helga being cute:

Athelstan after Helga explains how the Earth was created (it involves flesh, blood, bones, and a brain):  

Poor baby

Unrelated-to-torture observation:
Rollo has really nice teeth.

After that fun scene we're back to horribleness: Siggy comes to Rollo and warns him to get the hell out of dodge, because the Earl hates him and is about to mess his shit up. Rollo is taken by the Earl's men anyway, who beat him up and strap him to a table. The Earl asks him where Ragnar is; Rollo says no, really, he's dead; the Earl helps Ragnar with "opening his mouth" by slicing his fucking cheek open, Joker-style.

This episode has been quite intense.

Back to Ragnar: He wants to go fight the Earl, but he's not well enough yet. Then this beautiful exchange happens:

Bjorn: You must have patience, father.
Ragnar: *mocking* "You must have patience, father." Shut up.

Remember what I said about Ragnar having the maturity of an eleven-year-old? There it is. 'Cause Bjorn's 12, yet he's more mature than his dad.

The fun comes to an end when Torstein bursts in and tells Ragnar the Earl tricked Rollo and tortured him to discover Ragnar's whereabouts. Since Rollo won't talk, the Earl will probably kill him. Hmmm, maybe Ragnar should rescue him?

Nah. Ragnar asks Floki to pay the Earl a visit and challenge him to a duel on Ragnar's behalf. The episode ends, same as episode four, with Ragnar contemplating all the ways in which he can kill the Earl.

Categories: recaps, Vikings